Archive for December, 2007

Most of my regular myspace readers are aware that I’ve
been shamelessly teasing the pending debut of a
website called brainspank.org.

At the behest of one regular reader/contributor, I’m
here to give a little backstory.

Let me just begin by telling you that I’m so goddamn
proud of this website that I weep openly at the drop
of an aircraft carrier.

It’s hubris I guess. Long before I passed forty
thousand blog reads on myspace, I decided it would be
a good idea to go indie. So I got myself a couple Pit Bulls and
leased a yard.

Thanks be to my friend and colleague Warren for
accepting a paltry remuneration for the cracking
design of brainspank.org.

The image you see is an actual portrait of me by a guy
named Dave Lehman (sp?). All the rest, including
logo, fonts, graphic design, registering of domain name etc were rendered from the brain of my man Warren.

Warren has the soul of a geek but he’s one of the
coolest geeks I know. And, he can hold his liquor.

Thanks buddy. I got fifty bucks burning a hole in my
pocket to inspire you to figure out how to let people
subscribe or at least be alerted every time I choose
to piss and moan. Can we do that?

Anyway, I’ve discovered that I have a lot to say and
that despite how remarkably cool myspace has been in
granting me an audience and allowing me to find a
voice, I need to lose the training wheels and see what
I can accomplish on my own.

I want to be taken seriously.

Thus, brainspank.org

Yes, this is my blog. It is MY box to elevate my MY
opinion.

I wrote this at the end of my inaugural blog on
brainspank:

“This may read a little gratuitous and probably even
cheesy, but it’s the truth. I like to write. I like
to pontificate. I like to rant and rave. I’ve a
predilection for distillation.

I’d also like to illuminate and clarify.

I tend to eschew obfuscation.

I believe my perspective to be be valid or I wouldn’t
be here at all.

I’m not just here to beat my chest. It is my hope
that you listen to me and then think.

I swear I’m not here to fuck around.”

So now you know. Questions?

Drinks for my friends.

Last night I discovered the ass end of a smoked turkey
frank in my pre-packaged tub of mediocre guacamole.

I’d left it as a sort of a subliminal gift for myself
the evening before.

When I first removed the lid it appeared like a human
digit. Coulda been a toe.

Then I traveled through time to when I left it there
the night before. How cool am I?

Any way, I gotta dump the shit box, take out some
trash and start some laundry.

You guys want a little rip?

Done kinda. Gotta line the trash can with the Hefty
stretch bag. Love those things, they always last
until the trash chute.

Seems like people are getting friendlier. I doubt
that will last.

Jack In The Box fish & chips are among the best
available. They don’t drop those bastards ’til you
order so there always piping hot. It’s good tartar
sauce and they have malt vinegar. I hardly ever eat
the fries. Worst fries in the industry.

How was your day?

Mine was pretty random. Went to
Chin Chin for lunch. Had shrimp toast, pan fried pork
dumplings, gift wrapped chicken and a glass of
sauvignon blanc. Read about Dumbya. Interesting
book.

I had them wrap up what was left……

The book of course, “Dead Certain” by Robert Draper.
Fascinating in it’s own way. There is less raw meat than I’d anticipated and to be honest, hoped for.

What it seems to be, is an honest and objective account that on the surface is somewhat vanilla. Very little moral estimation on Draper’s part. He walks a beguilingly non- judgemental line.

Draper does reveal both an extraordinarily disciplined administration and an appallingly inept one. In doing so, he lays bare a disciplined and inept chief executive who may not be the puppet the cynical among us believe him to be.

In many ways George W. Bush is a goddamn fool. Most of the ambulatory among us knew this. Yet we are left with the impression that he means well. No real evil in this man, merely a man in far over his head.

Here is a man with a falsely elevated sense of pride and entitlement, bolstered by a gang of sycophants that range from the obsequious to the greedy and right on through to filthy of heart and soul.

He thinks he’s leading effectively.

George W. Bush weeps often, yet otherwise buries self doubt and ethical imperative in a brutal exercise regimen and personal insecurity in a near religious optimism based entirely on candy coated clowns.

He has always been ambitious. He’s still an excellent cheerleader. He would have been far better for America had he stayed in baseball.

There is just as fine of a line between clever and stupid as there is between courage and stupid.

And as I complete this, Bill Clinton appears on a Jon Stewart rerun.

Oh man, this guy is something else.

I’m fresh off CNN and the internet and lotsa Dumbya clips.

The thousand foot cliff of contraposition beams like one of those giant fucking lenses shooting light into the night time pollution at a mall opening.

I don’t care where you stand on Bill Clinton, he is absolutely brilliant. Just how did we end up with unCurious George after eight years of William Jefferson Clinton?

Lucid, engaging, charismatic and sharp as a fucking tack.

Now he’s out there with his old friend and Nobel laureate Al Gore, doing their damndest to save the goddamn world.

Dumbya may not be a bad guy, his family might be pretty nice people.

Whatever. It’s just that despite any of that, they fucking suck.

Oh, and his reign has been at least the worst thing to happen to America since the agrarian age. I mean, his Presidency has been a nightmare of injustice, reckless spending, discrimination, reckless aggression, egregious disregard of the Constitution, secrecy, wiretapping, torture, violent rape and pillage of the middle class……….man I hate these fucks.

Anyway, I just imagined hiring a Saudi Royal to kidnap Ann Coulter and deposit her in a secret prison. I arrive at the undisclosed location and begin teabagging Ms. Coulter. Before long I close off her left nostril with my left index finger and piss up her right nostril with force sufficient to make the horse apple in her throat bob like a superball at the end of a rubber band being whipped by a paddle.

Drinks for my friends.

I sometimes wonder how close the human species is to
a precipice of absolute demise.

How lucky am I to live at the end of days?

Is this a good thing, reaping all the rewards of
technology/media and really good readily available yet
nutritionless food?

Am I, are we, being swept along in a foolish
march towards the end of humanity?

I really can’t say for sure, but it appears none too
swell.

Our government is relentlessly aggressive in fomenting
violence against countries that pose no threat to us.

We’ve killed about a million so far in this
“conflict”.

Tens of thousands of our own either dead or perhaps
worse, barely surviving, after coming within a
candle’s flicker of having their own lives ripped from
them and not until after their limbs have been torn
away.

Wading any further into these waters will likely end
with whole countries, swaths of continents even,
turned to glass.

The crackle of glass underfoot only to be
experienced by those properly equipped for the furnace
of radiation left behind. They will be there to
extract the only commodity left from entire global
regions.

Texas Tea baby.

An obsolete fuel with nothing but
archaic means to render into energy. At a cost now
hovering around one hundred dollars a barrel.

A hundred dollars for a mere barrel of ancient
dinosaur liquid.

Can you imagine the cost when only fools in special
suits can fetch that juice for us? Four syllables.
Exponential.

Clinton oversaw crude prices under thirty dollars a
barrel. I’m just sayin’.

The surface of the sun is some eighteen thousand
degrees farenheit. Her energy speeds towards us
relentlessly at over one hundred eighty thousand miles
a second.

This one female causes tides and the wind. We have
yet to harness the sun in any meaningful way.

We’re up to our necks in these waters and still very
few humans seem cognizant at all. Another few steps
and either our lungs adapt to turn shit and toxic
waste into oxygen, or we drown.

I hate to be “The sky is falling guy”, but I need to
tell you, we’re probably closer than you think.

Our economy is a giant sucking chest wound. Poverty,
unemployment, budget & trade deficits as well as the
uninsured, all way up.

Median income down but way more billionaires!

The middle class is being hunted. Successfully.
Niether a Democracy nor a Republic can sustain
without a vigorous middle class.

Welcome, to the machine.

Housing, once a a bubble, is now a crater. Millions
losing or about to lose the roof overhead. Record
foreclosures point to a citizenry in as far over their
heads as their assfaced government.

We owe China while China bends us over and makes toxic
food for our pets and toxic toys for our kids.

Ha!

The Chinese killed the poor bastard in charge of pet
food. Executed him. We stood around and wrung our
hands because we’re their economic bitch.

Have you seen the goddamn dollar? Against the
Canadian dollar or the Euro?

A giant, empty eyed, lumbering, pasty, corpse of an economy.

The American Zombie now spends about a half a million
a minute in Iraq. A MINUTE!

It really does go on and on.

We are standing before an unprecedented level of
financial fuckedness.

Then, we take stock of the planet itself. I don’t
know if Mother Earth is sick or pissed or both. It
matters not.

What she is, is sick and tired of us.

I’m sure she liked it better a few hundred years ago
when their weren’t so goddamn many of us. I don’t
doubt she’s in the throes of solving some, if not all,
of the conundrum that humans are for her.

As long as we continue to burn and pillage her forests
and vomit pollution into her air and water, she will
starve our droughts of moisture and dump waterfalls
and tsunamis on already drowning populations.

The ice will cease to be.

This is Mother Nature we’re talking about here. Look
what she does every spring just to thin the herd of
Coulter and Limbaugh disciples in the midwest and
dirty south.

Her arsenal includes fire, volcanoes and earthquakes.
Hurricanes, tornados and don’t forget precision
lightning.

She may just decide to piss rain on your town for a
month.

What are we doing?

We walk around like none of it is happening.

I really like electricity and TV, computers, the
internet!, running water and a clean place to crap.

I love that as I wrote this I communicated with
others, hundreds, even thousands of miles away on a
hand held wireless device and at the same time
researched every fact I’ve foisted upon you while writing and that it will be read across oceans and continents.

Ironic that the power of an individual has never been
greater yet, we can’t seem to get the bastards to
march the other way.

There is no water where they go.

It’s the other direction.

They are either too lazy or too stupid to pay a mind.

Fools.

“Don’t want no class reunion, the circus just left
town Why behave in public if you’re living on a
playground?” -Van Halen “Fools”

Literally, another few steps and we will begin to
drown. It is asinine.

This may read a little gratuitous and probably even
cheesy, but it’s the truth. I like to write. I like
to pontificate. I like to rant and rave. I’ve a
predilection for distillation.

I’d also like to illuminate and clarify.

I tend to eschew obfuscation.

I believe my perspective to be be valid or I wouldn’t
be here at all.

I’m not just here to beat my chest. It is my hope
that you listen to me and then think.

I swear I’m not here to fuck around.

Thank you very much for reading this far.

Welcome to brainspank.org

Drinks for my friends.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Of cats and not women……
Current mood: Man, Shoot!
Category: Man, Shoot! News and Politics

So the Senate passed a pissed on energy bill today.
No additional taxes on the fattest, richest
corporation in the history of man and maybe better,
some vague endorsement and funds for ethanol.

This is one helluva brain trust.

Who’s underestimating who here?

Ethanol is stupid. From every angle it is less
efficient and far more destructive than what makes the
wheel go round these days.

Look at my thumb. You’re dumb.

We’re so lucky to have this Democratically controlled
twig of a Congress. The Democrats should be proud of
their heroism in facing down a minority party that
implodes from the top down while erosion is rampant at
it’s base.

Pelosi, Reid, Feinstein, all proud Warrior Generals of
the Democratic party. Fearlessly, they face that wicked
witch while she melts helplessly.

Somebody keeps showing us closeups of a pimple while
saying it’s a volcano.

I fucking hate it when they’re so obtuse, they don’t
even care about overt.

I didn’t start this one with a point and I may not end
with one. Let me say these things though:

1) I care less about sports than most males I know
but I watched New England tear Pittsburgh apart on
Sunday and enjoyed it.

2) Take a look at Romney, Guiliani, Thompson and
Huckabee. Huckabee seems like a nice guy but what
we’ve got here is a field that shows up on my meter as
right between dipshit and complete asshole.

3) Oh God, imploding, eroding, dipshit and asshole
Britney missed her deposition today.

4) You gotta love that today we find out Major League
Baseball is on steroids. No shit. Can I get a
whiskey?

5) My new cat is the bearable lightness of being.
Whispy, clever and very funny. I’ll bet she tastes
like chicken.

6) There’s a certain point at which one must take
responsibility for the craziness in front of them.

7) I want to talk about the impact of a black woman
campaigning for a black man and the gravity of that.

Perhaps the most powerful woman in the history of
media has thrown her reputation and power behind a black
Presidential candidate.

She is not here to fuck around.

This is awesome if only for the gust of fresh oxygen
it breathes into the chase. We need this.

I’m not a huge fan of Obama but I’d be happier with
him than Hillary. She’s just a little too beholdin’.

Where was Kucinich?

Anybody esle want the super secret link to an unfinished blog on what will soon be brainspank.org?

Just ask niceley.

Drinks for my friends.

Currently listening :
A Night At The Opera
By Queen

So a friend, who’s a lawyer, tell’s me she once
aspired to be a judge and somehow expected me to laugh.

I didn’t.

I happen to think it can be a pretty noble profession.
Then she tells me it had a lot to do with her
picturing herself in a cape, as opposed to robes.

Then I fucking cackled.

Anyway.

She asked why I thought it so noble.

I said law is a discipline that ought to be adhered to faithfully and
that the best judges hold that discipline above every other ideology.

If they are faithful to the rule of law, the science and language of it, the empirical execution of it, judges are Wizards.

Then she asked me to define ideology.

I said ideology is based on moral presumption. She pointed to
religion and I said yes. The guiltiest of bureaucracies
for the crime of fomenting morality and therefore
ideology, are religious.

I said the good judges, the Wizards, are ethical, not idedological.

She asked what the difference between ethics and
morals are.

I said honesty.

Honesty is black and white. Morality
is subject to interpretation but honesty is very
easily defined. To steal is not honest. To exploit
is not honest. To lie or betray the truth is not
honest. To kill is unethical.

Honesty is still compassionate. Ethics must still have a heart.

Thurgood Marshall, who argued Brown v. Board of Education and later sat on the Supreme Court.

Wizard.

William O. Douglas wrote:

“Inanimate objects are sometimes parties in litigation. A ship has a legal personality, a fiction found useful for maritime purposes. The corporation sole – a creature of ecclesiastical law – is an acceptable adversary and large fortunes ride on its cases . . . . So it should be as respects valleys, alpine meadows, rivers, lakes, estuaries, beaches, ridges, groves of trees, swampland, or even air that feels the destructive pressures of modern technology and modern life. The river, for example, is the living symbol of all the life it sustains or nourishes – fish, aquatic insects, water ouzels, otter, fisher, deer, elk, bear, and all other animals, including man, who are dependent on it or who enjoy it for its sight, its sound, or its life. The river as plaintiff speaks for the ecological unit of life that is part of it.” -Wikipedia

Wizard.

Souter contemplated losing his shit or retiring after The Supreme Court finished with Gore v. Bush in ’00.

Wizard.

Where there are Wizards there will be Warlocks.

William Rehnquist, who took the dirt nap opposing Roe v. Wade. Scalia and Thomas, dirty bastards both.

Scalia goes hunting with Dick Cheney, doesn’t get shot in the face or recuse himself from the decision on whether Cheney has to tell us who shaped our disastrous energy policy.

You think ethics played any part in our United States Office of Attorney General firing eight federal prosecutors for refusing to pursue bogus charges of voting fraud against Democratic voter registration groups?

Hello and goodbye to long time Dick-in-Bush crony Alberto Gonzales. You obsequious prick.

Warlocks.

I offer these mere four as champions of adjudicating on behalf of percieved morality from the bench. Personal ideology over ethical adherence to law.

Our new attorney general claimed to not know what “waterboarding” is.

You have got to be fucking kidding me.

Warlocks, because of moral presumption over fairness.

Judges aren’t the only ones who can be Wizards.

I’m just saying.

Drinks for my friends.

A bloviating fucktard named Dumbya.
Current mood: Whistling the theme to The Andy Griffith Show
Category: Whistling the theme to The Andy Griffith Show News and Politics

The bloviating fucktard named Dumbya crawled out of his greasy hole
to address the latest report compiled by sixteen intelligence agencies today.

That report said that Iran had not even attempted to
pursue weaponizing the nuclear genie since 2003.

The IAEA maintains that Iran has been in compliance
all along.

Four years, Iran hasn’t done shit or step wrong, and
this administration has been on them like maggots at a decaying flesh rodeo. About about as long as Dick-in-Bush have been getting checks from the Executive branch.

Of course their bombs show up in Iraq. Imagine that kinda shit going on in Canada. Right next door?

And then he shows up on TV this morning to talk about it:

“Bush told reporters that he was told of “new
information” about Iran in August during a briefing by
Adm. Mike McConnell, the director of national
intelligence.”

Then Dumbya had this to say:

“He didn’t tell me what the information was. He did
tell me it was going to take a while to analyze,” the
president said. He said he wasn’t briefed about the
new information until the new intelligence report was
prepared last week.”

-Shamelessly lifted from CNN.com

You have got to be fucking kidding me.

Let me translate his last statement into ‘dumbass’ for
ya.

“Shit fellas, I just barely learned about this my own
self”

Hey America, he says this with his hand on your
pito.

So now this bloviating fucktard and his handlers want
us to believe that just last week he stuck his finger
in the air and said, “waitaminute!”

Then he said, “Nevermind, it doesn’t matter. They’re
still evil and will kill us if we let them!”

You really have to be fucking kidding me. Man I hate
these douchebags.

Joe Biden had this to say:

“Are you telling me a president that’s briefed every
single morning, who’s fixated on Iran, is not told
back in August that the tentative conclusion of 16
intelligence agencies in the U.S. government said they
had abandoned their effort for a nuclear weapon in
’03?” Biden asked in a conference call with reporters.

“I refuse to believe that,” he added. “If that’s true,
he has the most incompetent staff in modern American
history, and he’s one of the most incompetent
presidents in modern American history.”

“It’s hard to think of a more serious and more
self-inflicted wound to our national security than
this president continues to inflict,”

I like it when Biden get’s pissed. I stole all that
from CNN too.

Seriously. The President of The United States of
America is trying to convince you that for months,
virtually the entire intelligence community in America
has been crafting a report that says Iran hasn’t even
colored outside the lines since 2003, and he didn’t have a clue.
No one told him.

You have got to be fucking kidding me.

Then, despite the mountain range of fuckery he’s
already responsible for, he wants you to understand
that Iran will still kill you in your bed.

“Iran was dangerous, Iran is dangerous and Iran will
be dangerous if they have the knowledge necessary to
make a nuclear weapon,” said Dumbya today.

-Yep. CNN.

This a test to see just how fucking dumb we are.

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

See, I like it when the host and the guest are friends and you can tell.

HA!

Drinks for my friends.

So the Idaho Statesman reports that eight men have
intimated they had sexual relations with Larry Craig.
Four have been identified. This according to CNN.

You have got to be fucking kidding me.

I gotta tell ya, I hate a hypocrite and Larry Craig is
THE worst brand thereof.

I don’t give a mad fuck that this sociopathic, lying,
self loathing piece of shit prefers the hairy
protuberance of a man instead of the warm and usually
fuzzy cleft of a woman.

Not really germane to the crime. It’s only relevant
in the metaphorical sense. He’s no different than an
arsonist fireman.

The question does deserve to be asked, how much of
this is our fault and how much is his?

I’ve said before that the issue of gay rights
including marriage et. al., is as pure and distilled
an issue of civil rights as there ever was. This,
very firmly predicated on the belief that one’s gender
preference is an inherent and purely biological
phenomena.

And you know what? I wouldn’t give a shit if it
wasn’t. Who cares? Life, Liberty and the pursuit of
ones own goddamn hapiness as long as no one else gets
hurt.

Hallowed be thy name and thy will be done and whatever
else.

The people that seek to prevent such pursuits are evil
and seek to harm. They seek to hurt, stifle, subdue,
cause suffering and ultimately pass judgement on
anyone unlike them.

People like Larry Craig.

American puritanical society is more than a little
culpable here. It is this construct of archaic voodoo
that foments and indeed allows the Larry Craigs to
flourish.

He’s a goddamn Senator for crying out loud.

Now. I’ve acknowledged society’s role here. That
doesn’t excuse this oily bastard’s role in the most
vile display of hubris and arrogance I’ve seen since
giant reptiles figured they could handle an ice age.

I’m having a tough time mining any sympathy in my own
heart for this fuck.

“Speaking on NBC’s Meet The Press, Craig told Tim
Russert: “The American people already know that Bill
Clinton is a bad boy – a naughty boy. I’m going to
speak out for the citizens of my state, who in the
majority think that Bill Clinton is probably even a
nasty, bad, naughty boy.”

“In October 2005, Craig suggested that flooded
sections of New Orleans should be abandoned after
Hurricane Katrina had hit and was quoted in a local
newspaper as saying that “Fraud is in the culture of
Iraqis. I believe that is true in the state of
Louisiana as well.”

Lascivious Larry also supports amending our
Constitution to prevent gay marriage and didn’t agree
with extending the federal definition of a Hate Crime
to include acts committed soley for reason of sexual
orientation.

Most of that was gleaned from Wikepedia.

I mean really. This pompous ass thinks he deserves to
keep his job so he can continue to foist his own
private nightmare of self loathing on America as a
publicly elected law maker?

I say the good rednecks of Idaho deserve the chance to
vote or not for this hydrilla of a man now that they
know what he really is.

The irony is, they would kick
his ass out office for being a fag.

Sheezus!

Do everyone a favor Lascivious Larry. I mean
everyone. Your family, your friends, your
constituents and all of America. Walk away.
Disappear. We really need the taste of you out of our
mouths. Go hang with Mark Foley.

Drinks for my friends.

Evil Knievel died this Friday.

I really like that it was incumbent upon folks to
address him as “Evil”. That was his name.

I have to tell you that we probably have him to blame for
everything from MTV to reality television.

Maybe his ultimate legacy is insipid but the man was a
goddamn genius at being a fool. He took a simple motorcycle and jumped it over fountains and busses and then tried to ride a rocket over a canyon.

When I was a kid there was Evil Knievel, Muhammad Ali
and astronauts. These were the men who were larger
than life.

They were brave. Upon not finding an opponent, they would fight themselves. And they would lose.

They were just spoiling for a fight.

I ended up being fascinated by rocketry and science in
general. Jumped a few things on my bike and later, on
a motorcycle. Blew a lot of shit up and haven’t
punched anyone since I was twenty years old.

Woke up with a mouthfull of dirt at least once.

America was of a different mind in those days, True,
she craved distraction. But, we looked for and
embraced men who would be gladiators. Fearless men.

Evil was an individual. If he didn’t end up in a
hospital after a jump you might come across him in a
local bar. He’d shake your hand or kick your ass
depending on how you behaved.

Today, we are addicted to the slightest glimpse into
another life, despite understanding full well that
it’s scripted. All but the stupidest understand that
it’s not what it appears to be.

Talk about ludicrous. It’s fucking insane and I refuse to participate.

There was an honest need for inspiration when Evil
Knievel shot across our first color televisions.

I think the country was as broken in those days as it
is now. Then, we coveted heroes. Today society is
ever more addicted to whatever distracts.

Yes, we are less than what we once were.

The cult of celebrity has taken over. George Dumbshit
Bush could not have gotten elected thirty years ago.

Now the best the Republican party has to offer is
Guiliani and Romney. Both of them colossal, empty headed, convictionless, dipshits.

Whatever. Evil Knievel is dead. I’ll bet he was a fucking
Republican.

We barely have any idea what we even need anymore. It’s ridiculous.

RIP Mr. Knievel.

My hat is off to you Mr. Fred Hunt and your goddamn
Eightball car.

There were far better men in my driveway as a kid than now run for leader of the free world

Drinks for my friends.