Fear Porn

I did the salad bar at Ralph’s tonight. The spinach looked fresh and there was three kinds of cheese. I should be in bed. The problem is, I’ve got this excellent salad and I’m not hungry and I should be in bed.  Conundrum.  Stress shrinks my stomach.  It’s been good to me so far.  I even bought a jar of Bob’s.  I’ve got luxury dressing.  Bob’s (big boy) Bleu Cheese Salad Dressing is among the finest things mankind has ever produced, recorded and mixed.

I’ve decided I’ll only get through a third of this salad but it feels good to eat plants.  Tons of fresh earthy spinach, tomatoes and onions and mushrooms and olives.  I always make it too big.  There’s a disconnect between my appetite and my stomach.  I threw on some of those little orange mandarin slices that look like bent index fingers, but orange and kinda translucent.  Red onion.  A modicum of oil and vinegar.  Fetta, bleu and parmesan.

I practice the high art of saladry.  Somebody bring me some water.

I can’t help it.  I think in colors and sounds and tastes and textures.  I wonder just how different that is.  Do most people estimate all that they take in on a scale that is from black to white?  I hear people discuss things in terms  of from one to ten.  Percentages.  Is everything gray?  Somewhere between black and white?  On a scale of zero to one hundred?  Do they oversimplify experiences and perceptions for the sake of convenience and or common definition?

Of course they do.

Yet there is no way we could have cell phones and computers or even the combustion engine if even half of us thought so inside the box.

It makes me think of the multi level chessboard from the original Star Trek.  Remember Spock kicking some crew member’s ass with an emotionless countenance?

We arrived at music long before the nuclear bomb.  I’ve learned that so many of us are dumb and quite a few of us are unbelievably smart.

The human race is what it is.

I never made music, but I facilitated it.  I was pretty good at it.  I did my best to make it sound like it did in my head.  It may have been selfish or egocentric to render it so accordingly but it was all I had.  All I knew to do.  The people who weren’t as good at it as I was didn’t even do that.  I felt it, tasted it, saw it.  I heard it in my head.

As a segue, it’s a stretch but bear with me.  The field of Republican candidates is a joke.  Silly fucks.  Today’s temperature indicates not one of them has a chance in hell.  Still, not one viable candidate.  They don’t see anything.  They can’t or don’t or refuse to picture a damn thing.  They don’t care.  They don’t want to.  Opportunists  all.  Present  for the opportunity, nevermind the job.  All there to boost book sales or speaking fees.  Republicans love money so much they’re not ashamed to run for president; not only hoping, but knowing they can’t win.  Okay, maybe not all of them.  Nobody’s ever heard of Pawlenty.  He’ll lose and write a book that no one will buy.

All resplendent on a stage the other night for the “debate” to say mendaciously fanciful things about the president.  Lies behind smiles.  So afraid to confront or actually engage one another.  Back to back they faced each other.  With their swords they declined to even shoot at each other.

Bachmann had the most composure.  What does that tell you?

I can’t believe they gave Newt a spot.  What does that tell you?

Did I watch it?  Can Sarah Palin name the capitol of Washington DC?  See what I’m saying?

The answer is fuck no.  I hate a predictable movie.

It’s a goddamn joke.  Not one of them is taking it seriously.  There is not one viable Republican candidate.  Not one.  Although Romney’s magic underwear is in a temporary twist because he’s leading the pack.  I love Michele Bachmann as much as I loathe her.  She’s dumb as a stick but makes Palin look like she suffers from fetal alcohol syndrome.  Both might be milfs so there lies the impetus for their popularity.  It sure as fuck isn’t brains or ability.  Whatever.  It’s the only reason anyone gives a mad fuck.  And the only people that give that mad a fuck breathe through their mouths and ears.

I used to be able to breathe through my ears but that was a few million years ago.  It’s no longer necessary.

You know, evolution and all.

Take Newt and Romney.  Guy Smiley is a used car salesman in that he’s clever but stupid.  Really nice hair.  Handsome.  Zero integrity.  A champion of health care before it was a liability among the truly stupid.  He can’t run on the only success he ever had in office because any power for the people is an anathematic litmus test for membership in good standing of today’s Republican party.  Gorgeous irony.  He’s rich and he’s got nothing else to do and running for president has been huge for his brand before, so he’s back.  He is an idiot.  I could smoke him at tic tac toe by persuading him to let me go first every time.  He would, because he’s a dumbass.

Newt is absolutely the same deal, but both smarter and stupider simultaneously.  All about his brand.  An intelligent man making a living off of willfully ignorant people. He makes me think in terms like pie faced, salamander and asshole.  Every important person in his campaign quit last week.  They told him to pound sand because they simply couldn’t live with themselves.  Nothing but a blowhard.   Newt is an absolute jerkoff who fancies himself an intellectual and then there’s his wife.  Talk about Stepford.  Weird Barbi vacant stare and mannequin grin…….haunted and soulless …..and she’s involved in all decisions.  Real First Lady material.  I’d be afraid of her in a dark alley because I know she has special powers.  She can mysteriously inspire a man to full rigidity only to fang all the blood therefrom.

Ever notice Trump has a mouth like a goddamn catfish?

Look. we all just want security.   And these people are clowns who just want us to be afraid.

What they will do for as long as they can get away with it, is peddle fear.  Fear porn.  Bullshit, hypocritical loathing of anyone different in any way.  Fags, dykes, niggers, spics, towel heads, socialists, peaceniks, Satan worshipers, atheists, union workers, the poor, the disenfranchised ……….anyone not White Anglo Saxon Protestant.  Even though that shit is so 1950′s, Orange County-Alabama.

They will continue their duty as profligates to promulgate the lie that America is broke and perpetuate the myth that it’s all our fault in order to propagate austerity so that the rich get richer, the poor get poorer and the global concentration of wealth marches on.  Understand that they know it doesn’t matter whether they get elected or not.  They know they won’t.  It just doesn’t matter.  It’s not about that.

I ate the whole salad.

The Republican party got me stoned for a month one night.  Then they drug tested me and I lost my job.  Now I can’t get unemployment benefits because  of the drug test I failed.  So I had an abortion.  Now I can’t vote.  That’s big government.  Does this look infected to you?  They seem to be afraid of me because I look white but there’s a chance I might be black.  Actually, I’m a Scottish Muslim. They hate to be confused.  I’d hate to be that confused too.

Bumpy and pink watermelon flavored pudding.

Just wait ’til Obama doesn’t have to worry about being reelected.  Howitzer’s may fire from the rose garden.  Gatling guns rattling and exploding I expect.  A conscious man who need not fear the courage of his convictions or his actions from here on in.  I hope.  This is what they fear most.  They do their worst.  They know they their chance is no more than a fart in a whirlwind.

Drinks for my friends.

20 Responses to “Fear Porn”

  • Mandy Andersonn:

    R’afuckingmen!

  • Teresa:

    Think I need to eat more greens!

  • Spot on as usual. I do agree that our President will be a changed man his second term. And so will the south, with the big black scarry man in thier White House the first time Texas talked of sucession…this time, it will be an afront against their very White Jesus Christianity, being to stupid to understand it is against their ideological BS platform. I do think we will see our very first civil unrest as Obama is crowned king.

  • Steph Pi:

    Yep! I love salad.

  • Midge:

    Ha..well written. Love that you start out with something we can all identify with and lead us to the guts of an issue.

  • Souljer Sammy Sealant:

    At my favorite salad store they keep raising the bar.
    At this point, if I stand on my tiptoes, I can just barely reach it.
    Total hassle…

  • Michael Douglass:

    I like a high bar at any salad bar…….

  • Dina Hussein Bayardo:

    Bob’s bleu cheese dressing is the bomb! And you have made me very hungry but you made me laugh so hard that I’m not thinking about eating anymore. Thnx for this dish of comic relief because I tend to take these idiots too seriously sometimes. I also can’t wait to see the POTUS do his thing during his 2nd term which if done right will surely keep the Rethugs out of the White House in 2K16.
    I should eat more greens & smoke more greens also- el verde es vida!
    Peace-out

    • Michael Douglass:

      I’m happy to know I’m not the only one to realize the greatness of Bob’s. I’m very happy you get my humor. Gratified even. Thanks :)

  • Mark:

    Hi Michael,
    This might be off topic but…

    I am a long time reader, and I very often recommend your site to Americans I know that are above your 25% threshold, I myself live in Australia, and every day after reading your posts, it makes me very glad that I am.
    Don’t get me wrong, the politicians we have over here are pretty damn thick-witted, but, hell. We have a female, atheist, Woman who is in a defacto relationship as our Prime Minister. No, I don’t agree with everything she stands for, but it is a breath of fresh air not getting bombed by religious fanatic pollies.
    But I digress, I did some reading of Wiki’s about some of these people that are currently holding seats of power in the USA. Wow, I mean… WOW… You should all think of emigrating out of the US, as like another reader said.. There be a War coming. Smart vs Stupid.
    Got any odds to bet on?
    Love your work, Love your country, hate the people running it. Good luck

    • Michael Douglass:

      You must been in for the long haul if you’re familiar with my 1/4 paradigm. Thanks so much for reading and contributing. Really, thanks so much. I would love to visit your country.

  • LEY:

    Great read! I love to laugh, but first thing in the morning is great! I just discovered you…How refreshing! Straight to the bone! Love this! Thanks for keeping it real!

  • Hi there, I come South carolina and I over 30 years old something and I began to get some stretch mark over my legs and the summer times is arriving I need to know where I can acquire some nice stretch mark creams coupons. Thank you!

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