Archive for March, 2012

The Dirty South

Mayonnaise  is the most perfect condiment ever.  In the post apocalyptic future where vegetables are rare and hamburgers hard to come by, I will lament the absence of mayonnaise.  I covet that sauce so much that I hoard packets of it whenever I find them.  I suspect foil envelopes linger in the pockets of winter coats I haven’t yet worn this season.  I suspect they will probably be fresh and palatable next season and exciting like money discovered in unlikely places.

What do you say when a child asks for a sip of your wine or beer or cocktail?  You won’t like it.  You won’t understand that the part of the drink that bites is what we like because of the promise of an effervescent numbness. An end to the days events.  It frees you to say what you want.  Not what you think you think but always what you want to say.

I abuse cheese as a substance more than booze.

I lie, it’s a close second.

When I die I want to be incinerated.  I hope there’s a party.  I hope I can at least fill a room.

I’ve been thinking about this murder in Sanford Florida.  This self appointed protector.  George Zimmerman.  This would be neighborhood watch captain,  SUV warrior of the burb protecting the community from a 140 pound kid sporting a bag of Skittles and some brand of tea that’s yet to be infamous.  I had no idea about this retarded law.  MSNBC throws up a map where this insanity is the rule state by state .  I begin to understand the strange fear of certain cousins and uncles and various bigots and roundheads.  Dozens of states with the same crazy law.  This thing is walk in the park obvious.  An asshole with eyes too close together, committed first degree murder in Florida and that is that.  It was premeditated. It is murder.  George Zimmerman pursued and provoked and without that, no matter how the confrontation evolved, there would be one less dead black teenager in Florida, in America, today.  I would love to believe that Trayvon felt threatened enough by this dickhead Zimmerman that he acted under the proviso of the “Stand Your Ground ” law on his own and smacked the snot out of him before the asshole whipped out his big iron and gunned the defenseless adolescent down.  But I doubt that’s how it played out.  It is clear that Zimmerman pursued and provoked despite the clear instruction of the 911 operator.  Despite common sense or reason.  It is painfully obvious that Trayvon Martin was not engaged in any criminal activity.  He wasn’t carrying a crowbar, a hammer or even a baseball bat.  He was not armed and there was nothing to indicate he was involved in anything illegal.  Zimmerman was packing a Nine Millimeter and aching to experience what effect it would have on a “fucking coon” first hand.   I believe in capital punishment about as much as I agree with abortion, so fry the bastard or pair him up for life with a bull hung cellie named Bubba or maybe Darth.

Self defense my ass.

They drug tested the corpse but hardly questioned the murderer.

I always, always use the handicap stall.  I don’t hesitate at all in a public restroom.  I head for the big room. The wide open spaces.  The expansive veranda.  I haven’t seen a handicapped person in a public bathroom since 1966. The year after I was born.  My dad was changing me in the men’s room sink of a casino and some war veteran rolled in and emptied his bag.  I just happened to remember.  I have no fear of the handicapped.

I heard Trayvon’s mother say rather magnanimously that this wasn’t a black and white issue, but a right or wrong issue.

She is only half right because this is stanky racism.

Geraldo Rivera would instruct us all that the real culprit here is the blatantly irresponsible wearing of a hoodie by a dark skinned male.  Douchebag.  Like the woman dressed in a low cut top or a short skirt was asking for it.  Asking to be raped.   Frothy Santorum and Salamander Gingrich would have us believe that the President’s statement that if he had a son, he would look like Trayvon, is an attempt to somehow foment a nonexistent racial imperative that otherwise wouldn’t exist.  Shameless fucking blowhards.  A glistening example of why I loathe these opportunistic fuckers.  How do they sleep?

Just today, the proud leaders of Sanford commit to a low arching campaign of impugning a normal teenager’s character.  Because they are stupid.

It’s not necessary to dwell on the facts and particulars.  There was no investigation to begin with.  At it’s best it’s a hate crime.  No investigation needed.  There was none to begin with.  What we have here is a vigilante misanthrope, a racist fucktard who might just be so dumb that he fails to get the fuck out of Dodge and actually gets arrested a few days from now after the local geniuses involved figure out that they have no choice but to arrest him.  I bet that’s how plays it out. If not, the powers that be of Sanford are realistically close to being chased out with torches and pitchforks.

Or maybe not.  It did transpire in the Dirty South.

That poor kid.  Random.  Trayvon Martin and George Zimmerman.   An innocent kid against a jacked up pretend neighborhood watch bigot with a hard on to matter in some desperate way.  Fire them all.  Everyone who had anything to do with it.  The sheriff, the mayor, the city manager.  Put this human puke in jail for the rest of his miserable life.  Official inquiries and investigations will only cloud what actually happened here.  It’s fucking Florida.  They can’t, won’t or are incapable of investigating jay walking.  If ever I’ve seen a reason to rush to justice, this is it.

I feel the sympathy and the outrage.  I’m horrified by the false sympathy and  manufactured outrage.  This is America.  This year of our lord, 2012.  Sometimes it looks like we haven’t learned a goddamn thing. Thank God I’m an atheist.

Goodnight Uncle Larry.  May you rest in peace.

Drinks for my friends.

They don’t lie. They elide.

McDonald’s has a double Filet O’ Fish on the menu, but the picture shows only one slice of oil based synthetic cheese among the two crispy patties.  When I order it, I’ll make sure it has two slices of oily cheese and I’ll fucking pay for that extra greasy slice. Gimme a side of that tartar goop for my hair.  My latest thing is a large, unsweetened iced tea and a hash brown from the drive thru for my bleary morning ramble to the salt mine.

I hear the Shamrock Shake is in season.  I’ll let you know.

Rush Limbaugh doesn’t respect his audience.  He doesn’t care about anything he says.  George Will infamously pointed out that all the Republican sycophants, especially the candidates, fear him. Nancy boys.  Indeed, the titular head of the Republican party does not give a shit about the Republican agenda or what gets elected.   No matter the outcome,  he will spew toxins in water wherever he swims.  He doesn’t give a mad fuck.  See, in light of the current Republican candidates, he flaunts more power and control than any of the jackasses actually running for power and control.  I am giddy with anticipation.  Now he  goes to commercial and it’s dead air.  All national advertising has been “suspended” from his show.  He should  seek council from Glenn Beck.

What we are witnessing here is historic.  The face of the Republican party folding in half.  Melting on itself like a bag of caramels in the sun.  As breathtaking as a freshly shorn scrotum.

So gorgeous that these fatuous jackwagons Santorum and Limbuagh have picked a fight with over half the population and waltzed, with misogynistic hubris and arrogance, into a buzz saw of vagina.  How can anyone in the 21st century oppose contraception for women?  Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.  How dumb can you be?

These are interesting times.  HBO drops this movie “Game Change”, that is simultaneously withering and credible at the same time the latest version of the GOP primary is ten times sillier.  This is what it is; the sober men in the room understand that this lunch will be handed to them.  They know they will not prevail in this election on a presidential level.  They are just looking to save face and  Guy Smiley is the best looking guy in the room.  They understand that he’s electorally inept and all they’re hoping for is an exit as graceful he can afford them so they can purpose all their filthy lucre, lust, greed and vainglory on Congress.

Lycanthropes.

Beware the Frumious Bandersnatch.

So last night, Santorum wins the two dumbest states of the union in a long tradition of mentally compromised Republicans voting inverse to their own best interests.  Alabama and Mississippi. Jewels in the crown of ignorance and the absence of dental care.  Frothy lost his last bid for the Senate by 18 points in Pennsylvania.  He got crushed in his home state and now he’s The Cracker Conservative.  Sheezus.  That talent pool has no moisture left to puke.

Ladies and gentlemen, the contemporary Republican party.  But first, please enjoy the stylings of Donny and Marie.  One must wonder if even the Osmonds will vote for Mittens.  The only thing saving Mitt from himself and Santorum is a salamander named Newt.  He splits the crazy.

Is this so bad it’s good?  It just might be.

What we have here is inevitable.  Social Darwinism.  Knuckle draggers being sucked into the ooze along with their pomaded misanthropes.  I don’t know enough about media and advertising to know for sure, but this definitely looks infected to me.  Pardon me while I contain my enthusiasm.  Are you gonna eat that?

I’ve been saying for two years that the GOP has nobody.  It is gratifying to see it enacted live on my television nightly.

Still, watch your ass.  That guy in the pool with a knife clenched in his teeth is your friendly neighborhood Republican.

Drinks for my friends.

 

 

 

Rick Santorum is the great white hope

I was dwindling away the other day by noticing how much more grime my fingernails collect when I forget to cut them.  I’m eating as many bleu cheese dressing soaked salads as my gulliver can process.  Everybody vote for Rick Santorum.  Salads make me crap like a goose.  Sizzler’s salad bar in Culver City has a nice array of plants (fruits and vegetables), cheeses, dressings, soups, nacho pilings and deserts.  I love it there.  They have nice bathrooms.  I swipe the kiosk with my debit card, turn around and an attractive young woman or a smiling middle aged man hands me my tray including a receipt which qualifies me for the bread of my choice as well as extra plates and napkins.

These days I bring Greg Palast to read.  Total gumshoe retro contemporary, night stalker cheap suit.  He tells the truth and that makes him Gonzo.  I’ve been reading this guy for awhile.  Truthout.org

I try to read at lunch.  It’s my Zen.  What I do is scoop as much of the banana pudding off the top of the banana pile of vanilla wafer  bonanza at the desert bar, and garnish it with the syrupy berries meant for the flavorless soft serve.  I use the handle of the soup bowl to stop my new hardback from closing in the middle.

So anyway, what the fuck is up with this Republican primary?  What we have here is a room full of very pale primates.  It really is embarrassing.  They tear each other apart while angling for the lowest common denominator along with the richest bastards in the room.  They are confused.  So am I.  It’s the new normal.

Frothy Santorum says Obama is a “snob” for promoting academic achievement beyond high school.  What a dick.  Never mind it’s not even what the President said.  Then he picks a fight with a 48 year dead president, the most popular ever, a fellow Catholic, over the separation of church and state by saying the assassinated president’s speech on the importance of religion being personal made him want to puke. He’s made the man on dog argument about gay marriage and said that contraception foments immoral behavior.  Birth control equals irresponsible fucking in this man’s mind.  What an asshole.  The male equivalent of Michele Bachmann. Dangerous and crazy because he believes what he says.  Santorum milks his time beneath the proscenium as long as his voice echos.  He’ll write a book and get appointed to something.

Rick Santorum is a misogynistic, homophobic bigot.

Guy Smiley makes me cringe.  He’s it and Republicans know he’s going to lose, but he’s it.  He is the best they have and he is the most insincere, disingenuous, used car salesman to ever fly north of vice presidential.  He tells a story in the first person about some golden auto industry celebration he remembers from when he was about 4 or 5 that actually happened before he was born.  He has another story about his father marching in Selma with MLK that didn’t happen.  He sings too often.  Mitt Romney is the most shallow and out of touch candidate since George W Bush.

He’s an idiot.  Worst politician I’ve ever seen and the best Republicans have to offer.

Don’t worry; neither one has a snowball’s chance in hell.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Obama would appear to have a better grip on everything except gas prices and the coming inflation.

I am cynical and paranoid but doesn’t this look infected to you?  It’s all a little too perfect isn’t it?

When Romney wins the nomination and loses his bid for the presidency, the hapless Republicans might probably jerk further to the right, dooming them in the eyes of the mainstream indefinitely. They are that dumb.  Their math will value Romney as too moderate for losing and therefore reason to revisit marching practice. Were Santorum to prevail, the GOP might actually benefit and move towards a more moderate stance.  Rick Santorum is our best chance for reasonable political discourse in this country and he’s a lunatic.

I understand that Santorum is mental.  Any family in this country with eight kids is automatically dysfunctional if they aren’t on a farm somewhere.  This guy is the real deal.  He means what he says.  That’s how I know he’s goddamn nuts.   Rush Limbaugh says what he thinks he has to.  He never even considers whether it’s true or not.  He doesn’t care.  Rick Santorum absolutely believes every batshit crazy thing that comes out of his weird foaming little rictus.

Yet he is our best hope.

We really need to help them go too far and nominate this douchenozzle Santorum so that they might understand just how too far they have gone.  Frothy will get crushed by a man that knows what he’s doing and the rounheaded might consider tacking towards the center if only too save the party brand. This clown show is titillating and hilarious but might still serve a purpose.

Obama will be President of the United States again.  It is what it is and it’s a done deal.  So Santorum is our best bet.  There’s absolutely no way he can win the nomination and if he does, liberals will all go on holiday.  And then maybe, just maybe, the idiots will understand shame.  The sky will open and they will begin to accept the theory of evolution and then discover that they are almost obsolete because of social Darwinism.

Then President Obama will stop pulling punches because the Republicans are now pussies and he doesn’t have to worry about getting re-elected.  He’ll show up in a cape and some ridiculous sandals and get shit done.

Rick Santorum for President of The United States of America.

Drinks for my friends.

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