Ted Talk

Rafael Edward Cruz is running for president.

Boy howdy.

By all accounts Ted Cruz is bright and formidable.  He’s a powerful speaker.  His academic accomplishments are impressive.  His career trajectory just prior to politics is downright imposing.  There’s a certain charisma in a Bob Dole meets Pee Wee Herman kind of way.  He’s also a notorious tea party prick.  It makes no sense that an obviously intelligent man has chosen to champion the stupidest.

By all accounts his fellow republicans would no sooner miss an opportunity to punch him so hard in the mouth that he shits out his intestines than I would.

I’m not here to remind you what a cartoon this guy is.  Ever since he entered stage right onto the senate floor in 2013, he has not failed to avail himself of any excuse to be an asshole.

Jeb and his brood will surely suck all legit, semi legit and the filthiest of lucre out of Ted’s home state of Texas as well as every other campaign cash venue available to almost every other republican who would be except maybe Scott ‘eyes too close together’ Walker.

He cannot win.

He has no chance.

So just exactly what is he up to?  I imagine he will finish being more despised than he started.  He’s a miserable narcissist.  Watching his faux filibuster over the ACA forced lurid visions onto me of a rotting mouthed hillbilly settling down on Friday evening to masturbate with a twelve pack of malt liquor talls and a soiled pile of vintage porn.  A poster boy for hubris and self aggrandizement.  Free standing ashtray full of fast food napkins.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

His announcement at Liberty University was awesome.  They’re nihilists dude.  Sheezus.

What is he doing?  It’s not some obscure egalitarian agenda. It’s not some ham-fisted altruistic effort to jerk the clown car toward purity.  Nope.  Ted Cruz is no team player. Ted Cruz is an asshole who gives not a mad fuck.  Ted Cruz drives a hot rod hearse.

Does he believe his father’s assertion that he is among the evangelical Christians to be anointed as kings to bring the spoils of war to priests in a great transfer of wealth?

Or is he just branding?

If so, what is his brand other than asshole?

He will not win, place or show.  Not even the darkest of horses in this field of crazies would consider him for a running mate.

Maybe he’s a a super secret double triple agent, a democratic plant that will finally doom the GOP and rent it asunder.

After all, he appears to be punching down.

Fuck me if I’m wrong and may God help us all because if I am we deserve it.  Things will explode.  Like prisons and war.  Folk music will come back.  The middle class will further diversify culinary applications of Top Ramen.  You will be on your own.

I don’t get it.

I have this feeling that it’s right in front of me but I’m missing it.

Drinks for my friends.

28 Responses to “Ted Talk”

  • Joanne Giovenco:

    So, you’re not a big fan?

    • mover1951:

      That’s funny.

    • Kenny Williams:

      Preach the truth, Michael. Spot on brother. The Canadian Cruz missile has no chance in HELL of even winning the GOP nomination. He doesn’t appeal to anyone outside of the Tea Party. He has alienated women, minorities, young people, LGBT’s and anyone with a 6th grade education or higher.

  • G.a. Underwood:

    Mr. Douglass, Thanks for your articles! I always enjoy your perspective and your honesty.

    Just a few quick late-night thoughts.

    I know these things:

    1. The Republican party now covers such a wide spectrum of ideologies that no one candidate can possibly appeal to them all to the degree they’d like – the moderates, the fundies, the Tea-publicans, the ‘gun-lovin’ patriots’, etc.
    2. Any Republican Presidential nominee will have to appear to be a moderate to be a serious contender.
    3. No matter what the eventual Republican nominee claims, he (undoubtedly a ‘he’) will ultimately espouse and promote the values of his Koch benefactors.
    4. The two parties’ division runs so very deep that many Republicans would vote for a nominee who meets only a small percentage of their beliefs, or say, their top two national concerns, before they’d ever even consider voting outside their party affiliation, if then.

    (To quote Rod Serling, of Twilight Zone fame…) Imagine, if you will, a faceless rich white man man wearing a very nice suit, with a U.S. flag lapel button and a severe multiple personality disorder.

    One of his personalities might be a guy who says he believes the federal government is too big and wants to privitize many of its functions for/to his rich backers. Another is a Christian fundamentalist who sees Satan in every modern advancement. There could be a war hawk fundamentalist who demonizes women and the poor. And one man who doesn’t outrightly attack women’s causes, but refuses to commit to slowing down the viciousness of their attacks. (Somebody’s got to medicate that chapped area – but preferably without apologies.) The possibilities are unlimited.

    What if, in an unprecedented, calculated move, the Republicans are beginning the process of creating one nominate-able candidate from each of their personality types? And in campaigning, their attacks within the party are mild, almost friendly, so that the lines begin to blur a bit? (Repub voters: “Let’s see, #1 guy is a corporate whore who doesn’t attack women. #2 guy is anti-pollution, and wants to privitize just about everything profitable. #3 guy wants to privitize, says women are sluts and he’s pro-Citizens United..) A crowded field of candidates emerges with overlapping and SLIGHTLY differing views. But nothing radical.

    Then, a week or so before the nomination, most throw their support to MR. CONGLOMERATE REPUBLICAN (whoever has the best numbers?) with just enough time to thoroughly confuse voters, the media, much of the country. Shock & Awe. Republicans of low education, income and foresight are confused, but delighted – they just know they’re “Republikins, like our Daddy was.” Mr. Conglomerate Republican!

    Conglomerate Republican is a tough debater. He has multiple personalities to draw just the right opinions and responses from. (“As Guy #1 said before he decided to support ME…”, “I may have said that in July, but since meeting with Guy #2, I’ve come to understand/appreciate/value his views/input on this matter…”) A candidate for all Republicans!

    Are you familiar with “The Transformers” old cartoons or movie? Imagine that.

    Or maybe — the notion of a Republican President in this era of corporate ‘personhood’ with its many implications simply scares me beyond all reason. My own state (NC) has born witness to the harm…no, the utter devastation of government that Republicans can perpetrate in only two years. A mob of “do nothing” politicians developed hyperactivity, and eliminated any former legislative checks & balances and the social “safety net” (Thanks, NCGA!), and preservation of the environment (Thanks, Duke Energy!), and women’s rights (Thanks, Gov. McCrory!), and the minimization of education by seizing million$ in taxpayer funds for private religious schools (thanks, ‘non-profit’ schools), and has seen corporations begin writing the majority of our legislation — all since just 2014 — that will take years to repair. Maybe decades. Thanks, non-voters.

    Should we wind up with a Republican President in 2016, make mine a Bloody Mary. Double vodka, please.

    • Damon:

      Make mine a triple!

    • Gerald R Reynolds:

      Thank you for the kind words Mr. Douglas, I feel our pain…lol…My problem is what are we to do about the dems? They seem to be going right wing democrat. I’m afraid of Hillary myself because I see too clearly a freshman …repub there…. Myself I plan on begging Liz Warren to run….yes I said beg..that president..is how I feel. I feel she would make an excellent president … Signed Gerald R R….

  • I don’t get where this guy is intelligent … “bright and formidable” … sorry, I just don’t see it … he gives me the heebie jeebies … seriously, my skin crawls whenever I see him or even hear his voice … and we’re not gonna have a teathugliKKKan president in 2016 … President Obama is going to appoint himself again by executive order … 🙂

    • GO Peggy Ruch! You go girl! I agree totally! The guy is a slimeball and I can’t stand to watch him. They say he talks off the cuff without a prompter. That’s because nothing but shit rolls out of his mouth. Why isn’t anyone pointing out he wasn’t born in the USA??? Give it as good as he gave or better!!!

  • This is hilarious! I have to say, though, that I don’t think he is as bright and formidable as many seem to think he is. If he were that bright, would he really be a teabagging Republican?

  • MiserableOldFart:

    The idea that there are actually any “moderates” left in the GOP would be laughable, except, of course for the frightening possibility that one of its wackos could actually get into the white house and destroy what dubya and reagan didn’t get around to destroying.

  • Kimberly Searcy:

    Ted Cruz doesn’t always sound like $695/hour lawyer…I don’t think he’s very smart. He might be able to regurgitate what he’s memorized and link sentences together but he’s not very bright to me. It’s obvious Ted Cruz will never be a U.S. President, but the fact he’s even being considered is frankly terrifying. This was a fun and informative read.

  • Donna Payton:

    Cruz may be book smart, but when it comes to personality and people he is a moron. He has no business representing anyone, he would be better off a preacher. Cheers to you and your friends.

  • Pamela Veselinovic:

    I wondered myself how this guy thinks he has a large enough fan club to run for POTUS. That does take imagination. He’s completely ignoring the obvious. Nobody will vote for him. He’s wasting his money. The tea party is too small to drive their loon into office. There are too many critics. He’s too conservative, even for conservatives. He’s embarrassing to watch. He’s a walking cartoon.

    Never mind how far out we are from an election. Christ. We’re talking years here. Wasn’t one year long enough to sit through the endless TV ads? Now we’re getting closer to TWO years of ads, signs, conferences and debates?

    Give me a break. He won’t win. Texas needs its money back if he plans on spending 2 years running for President. He already has a job, right?

  • Andrew Markoff:

    Well, I completely agree with you that he is smart and formidable. He knows what he’s doing. He’s Ivy League educated and clerked for a Supreme Court justice and thoroughly knows the Constitution. The mystery is why he spends his life pandering to the absolutely dumbest amongst us. When he claims that as President he’ll “repeal Common Core,” he knows very well that he is lying, because “Common Core” is not law and was not legislated by Congress. He uses stupid people just like his father does, and he’s not a true believer the way his very disturbed father is. His reasons likely have to do with only one thing: money. He and his wife are pretty much all about two things: 1) Goldman and 2) Sachs. That’s it. Banking. Wall Street. Insider dealings. Perhaps he’s simply been always motivated by using the stupidity of the American people- and he is WILDLY popular in Texas- to gain personal wealth, and perhaps that’s simply enough for him. And that, to me, is the mystery.

    • Joanne Giovenco:

      I don’t get it either. Whenever he talks, at least to me, he sounds so insincere, while at the same time, he appears to be trying heartily to be sincere. I believe he is intelligent, but he uses that to manipulate people. He made a big deal about signing up for the ACA, but the only reason he did is because his wife quit her job at Goldman Sachs to campaign with him (or took a leave of absence–I guess she at least knows he isn’t going to win).

      He is creepy. He tries so hard to lie to people, but still can’t pull it off (except to the dumbed-down idiots in the south). He is dangerous, though. As Andrew said, people who like him, REALLY, REALLY LIKE HIM. And never underestimate the stupidity of the American electorate.

  • Marion Ferguson:

    So you don’t think his party will consider him because he’s a dipshit? Look to Australia, my friend. If Cruz IS elected President of the US, we will sigh a huge sigh of relief because we won’t be the only laughing stocks.

  • James Andrea:

    Actually this article was wishful thinking, a snarky put-down dismissal unfortunately doesn’t make it so – it’s a bit whistling-in-the-dark. Cruz may very well yet emerge from the pack where being “anointed” as Jeb is might just sink him. If Eric Cantor lost, Jeb could. Cruz may be “punching down” but that isn’t necessarily a losing move in politics, rather the opposite with “the base” there. He’s clever, starting off in a religious school – getting God’s approval for his being comfortable blurring church and state; but that moral tone he appropriated about the constitution as God-given, etc. was sickeningly powerful. The more staunch he appears, the GOP will move towards him, such is their center/”sense” of gravity, even if reluctantly. Of course he’s pandering, but whatever else he may be genuine about, his slickness pitching it annoys our ears, but it would be politically anthropomorphic to interpret his remarks by Dem. focus. The author almost sounds like he could be that double agent – to lure complacent Dems into thinking Cruz isn’t viable, when the GOP clamors for such “dark horse” “outsiders” – one term senators…they do win sometimes.

  • What is he doing? He’s performing. His father’s the preacher so that’s out. The Dr. Seuss thing–been done. Let’s see. . . President? Why the hell not? And look at the crowds. (Yes, I know they HAD to be there but they’re cheering! For me! They like me! They really, really like me!)

    And that’s enough.

  • Dana:

    Ted Cruz has zero chance of being elected as the GOP candidate, let alone to the White House. That said, I’m glad he is running because not only is it amusing to behold, it is also a wonderful wake up call to progressives.

  • gary braithwaite:

    Soon he should be slithering his reptilian tongue, speaking in the language of our reptilian overloads.

  • Bob A:

    first of all, don’t assume he can’t get elected. Nobody ever went broke betting on the stupidity of the American people. That said, his game makes sense in some context – everyone’s does. We’re missing something but I’m damned if I know what. Maybe it is just performance art a la Herman Cain.

  • Thom Kirkpatrick:

    I think what he is doing is NOT running for president, but rather making the also truly extremist GOP candidate seem rather normal by comparison.

    At least, that’s the best sense I can make of it.

  • Thom Kirkpatrick:

    A stalking horse of a sort.

  • Cori Briggs:

    I’ve been saying all along that this guy isn’t even a threat to the valet parking attendant at the elite polling station. He’s giving us all some real good comedy material for the coming elections, as Republicans constantly do. That’s one thing they’re very good at and they’ll keep doing it for a while longer.

  • Terra Wolfe:

    His father says that Ted is an anointed king who will bring on the end times. Wouldn’t that be the Anti-christ?

  • Cathy Rouse Page:

    Never underestimate the rightwing crazies. Cruz is recruiting from the holy rollers as he being another gift from God, like Manifest Destiny or some other gift from above.

    As for democrats, I will vote for a goat before I vote for a Blue Dog Dem or anything even resembling one.

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