I read the news today, oh boy…………….

Merely the events of the day as reported by CNN are enough to inspire one to spray precious liquor.

As they come around the first corner, all presidential candidates, republican and democrat, are pulling ever closer to even as they break sweat for Iowa and New Hampshire.

They are stallions regardless of sex and even the ponies out front are beginning to bite and kick.

Methinks this is a good sign as it reveals an electorate that is unhappy and pining for change.

Soon, Oprah begins to stump for Obama. Interesting. A sociological laboratory in real time.

I gotta tell ya that the only republican that isn’t an absolute dickhead is Ron Paul. The rest of these guys are appallingly worthless. Guiliani and Romney are spineless, absent even nascent conviction and overtly hypocritic.

Save for Mr. Paul, this is a low gene pool walking the dog group of talentless insincere asshats. Empty suits all.

By the way, Cheney’s black Darthheart had to have a kickstart this morning. Ha! He’s recovering at home this evening after “electroshock therapy to jolt his upper heart chamber back into a natural rythm.”

Then Dumbya had to do the photo op with Gore for the Nobel Prize thing. They both looked like they’d just smoked a choad, but Dumbya’s gaze was beyond compare.

It was clear that his sack had wrinkled. His testes had retreated. He did not swing low and in fact, had no swing at all.

I saved this next one for last because it’s my favorite.

Dennis Hof, brothel entrepreneur, shameless and therefore efficacious self promoter and a friend of mine, has made national news by declaring his support for presidential candidate Ron Paul.

He says he’s willing to put his money where his mouth is.

I know Dennis. We’re not close, but I know the man and I grew up in Carson City Nevada. And yes, he owns The World Famous Bunny Ranch.

I don’t doubt for a second that he is absolutely sincere. Mr Hof, in my experience, is a man who does what he says and says what he does.

Not only that, he takes my calls and when he calls me, he tries to convince the receptionist that he’s calling because he found my credit card in a house of prostitution.

I need to add here that I’m also friends with a mayoral candidate for the city of San Francisco. He’s a crossdressing bodybuilder republican who owns and operates the most notorious and infamous sex club on the west coast.

Sometimes, one has to stop and smell the roses, pay attention to real people and real things.

Drinks for my friends.

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