The Wrong Week to Quit Sniffing Glue

I used to see movies or television shows that depicted unbalanced people and think such a fate was impossible for me. I’d wonder at how it could actually happen. I imagined the unlikliest of scenarios.

I know what it’s like to be crazy. I once took a few too many fistfulls of mushrooms and lost my shit. Ever since then I’ve understood how tenuous a grip my mind has on sanity. Reluctant even. A a careless mistake or a tragedy away from not much sense at all.

A few years ago, as a result of an inordinate amount of stress, I began to have panic attacks. I was sure I was about to die. It was a temporary suspension of sanity and they were surgically debilitating.

I respect how close to an edge I am.

Dark days. My ten year relationship was ending, my job and boss as well as my best friend were imploding, financial pressure reared it’s head and my most beloved cat friend died abruptly.

I was losing my shit.

I went to doctors, sought counseling, ended up in therapy and on a serotonin re-uptake inhibitor.

I’m better now thank you very much, although I remain more than cognizant that the wall separating me from madness is paper thin. When the light is right, I can see right through it. I also know that the longer I remain on this side of that wall, the stronger and more impervious I become.

I wonder if I’m like most people who can’t help but dance around the maypole once in awhile.

I can actually see sound. I look at a bug and spend at least the next five minutes imagining invasion by it’s species. I can drink a quart of cheap scotch, eat some tin cans and consume a pouch of chewing tobacco and keep it down. I think of something random however, and puke til I dry heave. My biggest fear is the car accident but I drive like a maniac. I’m a germaphobe but my place is a wreck. I make up names for random people I encounter in public settings. Often I have a different name in mind for people right before we’re introduced, making it more difficult to remember their actual name.

I love unopened presents. One of the first things my shrink pointed out was that I was a chronic perseverator.

My dreams are blind shit house nuts. Frying my own feet, spatula in hand, in a skillet on top of hot plate, on top of a cheap vinyl flower print dining chair, my amputated ankles underneath, in a Boston apartment with green shag carpeting.

I obsess the minutiae and disregard the macro. It get’s me into trouble.

So, on top of all this, I regularly encounter people who lack fundamental reason. Logic. Rationale. On TV, on the radio, the internet and at the 7-11. They are crazy. Few dare to divulge the deranged stain on these human tiles, thus they are everywhere I go or even look.

They voted for Dumbya and have no moral or ethical dilemma with leaving a wad of gum under a table, bigotry or putting the family pit bull in the ring for a little cash. How much you wanna bet they worship regularly and invoke God consistently?

Forgive the tangent. I’m not here to preach, at least not tonight. Once in awhile I just get started and let the point find itself.

I suppose part of my point is that you, we, cannot afford to deceive ourselves.

I realize I fall well outside the sphere of what’s held as typical or normal. I like that. Let me just say that a good number of you what takes comfort in those labels or even deign to hide behind them are not fooling anyone but yourselves.

See, you think of it as you against us. We don’t. We look at it more like us for the rest of us and you’re welcome to come along.

What’s going on in America right now is a battle of ideologies. It’s brilliant and tragic irony that our own government is fomenting that polemic about the rest of the world.

Unfortunately, far too many of you don’t understand either wrangle. You keep staring at the trees instead of thinking about the forest. Get over yourselves.

Stop pretending you know why you’re here. No more assuming you have the answer because you do not. Start thinking more about the question.

Let me give you a heads up, two men standing on the corner, both claim to be Jesus. One of them has to be wrong.

Drinks for my friends.

7 Responses to “The Wrong Week to Quit Sniffing Glue”

  • Max:

    This makes me think of the hand full of dog shit and a hand full of prayers analogy.

    Amy Goodman on Democracy now was saying the War on terror has moved on to the War on American Ideals so your in good company and your sanity seems safe to me 😉

    Take care.

  • admin:

    I’m glad you’re reading. Thanks.

  • ok.
    As you know, we’re in the same dingy here.

    I’ve often mused about how Jesus was the MLK AND the Andy Kaufman of his time… did a buncha nice stuff. But when he was up on the cross, kept his mouth shut and thought: “Now THIS one is gonna be BIG”. I dig him for that kinda shit. Then there’s the fact that the Bible was written before there was a Surgeon General to tell us that all that stuff we’re ingesting isn’t good for us, and definitely may impare our abilities to operate a motorized vehicle. You get the point. Others don’t. I like to take jabs at the Fundies…you know, put the “fun” back in Fundamentalism. There was the discovery recently that presumed the water particles or whatever spotted in a distant galaxy would suggest that there may be, indeed, the opportunity for life already beyond Earth. I told this story to a Bible-thumping geek of mine. He’d read the article too, and we started discussing the possibilities, and Hawking’s theories and such. Then I hit him with the point: “Hey, if one of us wants to make some REAL MONEY, we oughta hurry up a write a new Bible for those new folks…. and QUICK.” Conversation over, as you’d imagine.. and I’M the asshole again.

    pffft.

  • admin:

    I like the Any Kaufman analogy. I’ll write that bible with ya. I love all that flowery language. You’re an asshole, but it’s one of your most redeeming qualities.

  • still trip'n xy'nz:

    I studied to become a nurse, because I enjoyed it when my charges were sick and need extra tlc. Last week
    A bird hit my window again, again, and again. So I go outside to tend to him, then he sneaks inside zooming past me, with an enormous wingspan. While Inside he 1st ducks and hides, but I could hear loud breathing then he relaxed and started to communicate by whistling. I wanted to keep him, for a pet.
    We became friendly, but I kept shrinking his points of access, kinda cadging him into one small room. He was smokey and reminded me of you. Now that I know that you have sleep apnea, I feel guilty, and will brush my teeth again. I forgive you. But what the Fuck? When you think you going to be friendly with Republicans, but treat me like shit. My respect for you is in question.
    There are people that talk out of both side of their mouths and, con artist who using both side of their ass dance, moving sideways, instead of forward! Sales, Friends, financial profits? The idiots whom would vote for the drone McCain, could make no sense of any of the drivel you mention, the financial cost of gas, life lost, the war, environmental destruction. Delusions of Grandeur in my opinion, is your real issue. Fortunately you write good fiction.
    To sell either a tangible or nontangible… rule number one, is have something THEY WANT! What do the need or believe they need. I should have worked in advertising thou I have morals that prevent me from engaging in trickery and wastefulness. Probably the reason I did exceeding well working in vintage, resale. I comprehend the difference between value and crap. Lets avoid hallucinogenics and flashbacks, fun as all that may be. If ya going to do retro, try vintage, would you? Even the supposed liberals have mostly sat on their haunches doing precious little as our liberties and economy have imploded. I found it insulting that George H.W. Bush was supposedly the Republicans presidential choice, v.s. the humble war hero Robt Dole. How could this have been funny; Hell the fuckO’? The nazi Oil wealthy H.W.Bush did’nt steel that election, and buy the press, as his son then learned to do? Republican men are nice, they treat me well, and have money. I think even they would’nt waste time of S. McCellans book. He has nothing to say, except I needed a job, and I still like money. Generally I don’t waste my time in the company of idiots. I’ll treat my self nice again, I don’t need others to do what I can do for myself. Flashback to the future, what is it that progressives have to offer? For all practical purposes we are in a depression, but pretending not to be. What do the consumers, & voters really need. Knowledge, Facts,& prosperity, or we crash hard. Another stolen election, will be another fake 911, the next war could be riots in our streets, and less liberties, than even the Chinese. There was a reason the media, choose to bring down John Edwards, and Howard Dean they made profits, keeping our nation off center, while they steal the American dream.
    I understand the charm people with costumes; but look at Heath Legder he died!

  • Starlight Tripp'n:

    The reason I rap well, is that I know how to make interesting out of this world sound which startle people. EEeeeuoooeeeee,ting! out and away; from the ceiling of sound…,think the gurl version of E.T., entering an orgasm of thought. I get sick of all the s.H.i.T. I’m expected to eat! Do you know if our sun ever feels the rain? Or that everyone wants to be me? Down in Beverly hills, below Yuma in the U.S.A.,there once lived a man if you will;
    I see the role being played by, Joaquin Phoenix, Russel Crowe, Edward Norton, or Matt Damon. Ledger would have been a treat I’m sure you’d agree. For watership Rayne Pryor, or Elizabeth Shue with perm, I don’t take much to straight hair on wild animals. Shirley well who else but Courtney Love; really?
    As for pillow lips, Robin Givens, Beyonce or Shannon Doherty. Orgasmic.., tell Hunter I can’t wait until we get to do the Broadway version of the Bible, I’ve already chosen the cast. Kmart gets to be one of the wise men as does G.G and D.D. I love the role I chose for you. More later.

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