Fuckin Survey

1. What color is your underwear right now?
I’m free. Commando. Otherwise it would be disco ball. Maybe leopard.

2. What are you listening to right now?
The sigh of brainrot.

3. What are the last 2 digits in your phone number?
If she survives the birthing, I’ll name her Peg.

4. What was the last thing you ate?
Parsnips and rutabagas. The latter has an edible tuber. Tuber is my new favorite word.

5. If you were a crayon what color would you be?
Yellow, red and orange. A fast food candle.

6. How is the weather right now?
Not as disease friendly as it has been. I imagine I should wash the linens again anyway. Politics was show business for ugly people until Tuesday night.

7. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
A caped crusader. I doubt it was The Caped Crusader. He did promise donuts. I think he said he worked for the government. That really threw me.

8. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Face, eyes, soul, happiness. Voluptuosness. Pretty much in that order.

9. Favorite type of Food?
Dense, thick with sauce and contrasting flavors. Lots of gravy and bread in case you don’t like it. I usually like a little greasiness but not always. I love sushi and the last few months have seen me become a whore for wasabi. Fucking pasta and cheesy tomatoey sauce. Deep fry a shoe and if there’s a good dip, I’m up to bat. Gimme some fucking cheese.

10. Do you drink?
Oh boy. Why do you ask? You’ve heard of the pro life movement? I’m pro booze and just as rabid and tenacious.

Water
Tons of it. I adore cold water. I keep icy water on hand at all times.

Milk
Not since I was seven.

Lemonade
Occasionally. The low sugar stuff. I prefer an Arnold Palmer, with the low sugar stuff.

11. Do you smoke?
Why yes. Do you fart?

12. Ever get so drunk you don’t remember?
Why yes. Rarely, but it’s happened. It makes me nervous.

13. What color are your eyes?
Blue. Bloodshot after I vomit or sneeze. Fire dances in them when I sit in front of a dancing fire.

15. Do you wear contacts?
Nope. Don’t like most of the people I know. Hate to be too attached.

16. Single?
As opposed to plural? Not really. I got’s me a female companion and she’s a little crazy. Oh well. She’s real good to me. I can’t imagine why she likes me as much as she does. I’m flattered.

17. Favorite Month?
Let’s hope it’s this one.

18. Ever cried for no reason?
Plenty of silly ones. Ever drive down the road and for an instant, glimpse a beautiful woman’s face?

19. Last Movie you watched?
Bark of the Lounger. Fuck and suck circus. Ebola ain’t shit.

20. Favorite day of the week?
Kinda self employed but I still like Friday night and Saturday morning. Otherwise I’d say Christmas afternoon at home.

21. Are you too shy to ask someone out?
Not if I’m smitten.

22. Hugs or Kisses?
Puppies and kittens. Deep, snot whistling kisses and then warm hugs and groping.

23. Chocolate or Vanilla?
He he, dog will hunt. Bing Crosby and Negro Romance comics.

24. Do you want your friends to respond?
I wish them luck. I only hope they remain responsive.

25. Who is most likely to respond?
Biodiesel.

26. Who is least likely to respond?
Saddam. Bin Laden. Ann Coulter, where you been?

27. What books are you reading?
Bugliosi and McClellan (Pasty McSquinty). Books that should have been articles. Shit really. I’ve got the latest Vonnegut around here somewhere.

28. Piercings?
Piss up a rope. Damn, my balls are seriously huge.

29. Fav. Movie of all time:
Horton Hears a Who. Blue Velvet. The Big Lebowski. Top Gun. Trinity And Beyond. Nobody’s Fool. Just about any western with Lee Van Cleef. No Country for Old Men and There Will Be Blood. Animal House. The Prestige and The Illusionist. Born Free and Old Yeller. Capote…………..

30. Fav. baseball team?
Right now that’d be Tampa because of my good buddy Hunter. A small man who brings lots to the table.

31. Any pets?
Yup. Beddy and Swirly. Proof. A handful of contemptible and insidious demons.

32. AIM?
– FIRE! (went with Dave on this one).

33. Butter, Plain or salted popcorn?
Goop it the fuck up and give me some Skittles and a diet coke. Got any caramel corn?

34. Dogs or cats?
Bitches. Cats.

35. Fav. flower?
Splodey ones. Fireworks. Desert ones. Hearty and pungent. Lavender and Rosemary. I like sunflowers and daisies but it’s not like they have a pleasant aroma. Orchids confuse and amaze me.

36. Have you ever fired a gun?
You bet. A whole mess o’ catfish.

37. Do you like to travel by plane as opposed to car?
I prefer a nuclear powered sub but there’s only so many waterways.

38. Right handed or left handed?
One hand feels like somebody else. I wipe with the left and eat with the right.

39. How many pillows do you sleep with?
I need three. One for me and one on each side for the other two of me.

40. Are you missing someone?
Missing, no. Lacking? Perhaps.

“Hello, world, here’s a song that we’re singin’,
c’mon get happy
A whole lotta lovin’ is what we’ll be bringin’,
we’ll make you happy

We had a dream we’d go trav’lin’ together
We’d spread a little lovin’ then we’d keep movin’ on
Somethin’ always happens whenever we’re together
We get a happy feelin’ when we’re singin’ a song

Trav’lin’ along there’s a song that we’re singin’,
c’mon get happy
A whole lotta lovin’ is what we’ll be bringin’,
we’ll make you happy
We’ll make you happy,
we’ll make you happy” -The Partridge Family

Drinks for my friends.

3 Responses to “Fuckin Survey”

  • 1. What color is your underwear right now?
    Sort of white with a nice runner of green/brown.

    2. What are you listening to right now?
    The Mars Volta

    3. What are the last 2 digits in your phone number?
    Up and Yours.

    4. What was the last thing you ate?
    Some crusty rice w/ Soy from a plate in the sink that Zeke was eating some nine hours ago

    5. If you were a crayon what color would you be?
    soggy red

    6. How is the weather right now?
    dark, it’s night

    7. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
    Leslie Zumwalt

    8. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
    Their Vaginas

    9. Favorite type of Food?
    Leftover surprise

    10. Do you drink?
    I’m drinking right now

    Water
    Hoover Damns worth a day

    Milk
    Only in my ice cream

    Lemonade
    When I can get it, Lemonade don’t grow on trees.

    11. Do you smoke?
    Some stuff yeah, only crack on Church days

    12. Ever get so drunk you don’t remember?
    Is that a trick question? I don’t think, therefore I ain’t.

    13. What color are your eyes?
    Hellfire red

    15. Do you wear contacts?
    Nay

    16. Single?
    Nay

    17. Favorite Month?
    Octember

    18. Ever cried for no reason?
    Never, what kind of harseshit is that? I cried at the end of Soilent Green

    19. Last Movie you watched?
    Friday the Thirteenth part two

    20. Favorite day of the week?
    Blowjob Wendsday

    21. Are you too shy to ask someone out?
    I asked your mom out didn’t I? Most likely yes.

    22. Hugs or Kisses?
    Drugs not hugs. No Hugs take the cake.

    23. Chocolate or Vanilla?
    Vanilla

    24. Do you want your friends to respond?
    Never, all my friends are idiot Zombies

    25. Who is most likely to respond?
    Beelzebub

    26. Who is least likely to respond?
    The mighty Yeti

    27. What books are you reading?
    The Space Opera Renaissance

    28. Piercings?
    I have a pipe through my skull

    29. Fav. Movie of all time:
    Reptilicus, Catch 22, Altered States, Dracula Hustles at Midnight, Godzilla VS Fagzilla

    30. Fav. baseball team?
    The Copenhagen Reptilici

    31. Any pets?
    Just Zeke, the sugar ants, and my cock

    32. AIM?
    Attractive Idiot Midgets turn me right the fuck on.

    33. Butter, Plain or salted popcorn?
    Salt and Butter. Plain only for choking to death.

    34. Dogs or cats?
    Cogs

    35. Fav. flower?
    All purpose.

    36. Have you ever fired a gun?
    Yes, but I aims to please.

    37. Do you like to travel by plane as opposed to car?
    I like to travel by pogo stick.

    38. Right handed or left handed?
    Wrong handed and correct handed too. Sometimes I paint with my left, if my right hand is tired. Usually with my right tho, but the canvas sometimes is upside down. Hells bell, truth is stranger than fiction. I like the pick hand, but the noodling note hand is a lefty…

    39. How many pillows do you sleep with?
    None to one. There’s two on my side, but one usually gets stuffed up my ass. This is getting personal

    40. Are you missing someone?
    Yes

  • admin:

    Thank you. You have acquitted yourself with fearless dignity and ridiculous humor. I’ve always liked you.

    I got that pic of your dentally challenged stoic math professor and I adore it. Your wife deserves my admiration as well. I believe I’m close to having another book done. I’ve been working on it since well before the last one.

    My memoirs. It’s time.

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