A human condition

What intrigues me the most about human nature or behavior, is our ability to lie to ourselves.  It’s fascinating because of it’s fundamental flaw.  One must be honest with one’s self to avoid the traps and deceptions along life’s path.  The potential for being fooled by another is doubled by not being honest with the self.  It’s true.

I know because I’m guilty of it.  I’ve been perceived as arrogant and I most likely was.  I do my best to evaluate others empirically and avoid the polemic, but the truth is, I’m smarter than most people.  I know that because I know people way smarter than me.  I know the difference.  Still, there is emotional intelligence.  That sort of wisdom has very little to do with problem solving or algebra.  It has everything to do with being true to self.

Self delusion and intellectual dishonesty are glue traps in the kitchen of life when the lights are off and you’re competing with the cockroaches.  You shouldn’t be there anyway, but if you are, there’s a reason.  I guarantee you’re not paying enough attention.

In every instance it’s a red reflective road sign pointing to lust, not just for sex, but for power or influence and of course, greed.  Ah, avarice.  Then there’s chronic insecurity, those folks with chemical issues and the truly bipolar.  I know this to be true because it as obvious in my case as all others to which I bear arduous witness.

I’m not bipolar and my chemical issues are pretty minor.

There exists a very fine line between ambition, determination, altruism and too often, hubris.  Again, I know, I’ve been there.  All over that line.  Fingerprints and footprints smeared and chaotic in charcoal on white with a line dividing it all.  It is my wish that the disinfectant of sunlight reveals my various transgressions to be less than permanently damaging or impactful on the lives of others.

I hope.  I try pretty damn hard.

Unless I do it on purpose and that’s a whole nother conversation.  I’m quite capable of being a motherfucker.

Still, I’m in awe of my own propensity for self delusion and amazed by that of others.  People actually lie to themselves on purpose and with intentions they know and understand to be unsavory, yet they believe themselves at the end of the day.  I look in the mirror after a shower and tell myself I’m husky and broad shouldered, that I’ve got a pretty nice penis and my balls are gorgeous.  Then I comb my hair and am thankful it’s still so voluminous despite it’s rapid gallop toward gray.  I get dressed and decide this particular shirt makes me look broad shouldered and masculine as opposed to fat.  There doesn’t seem to be a muscle that allows for sucking in the neck.

We all do it to one degree or another.  I’ve had several people who are very important to me praise my honesty.  These people know me very well and they are nothing if not honest themselves.  It flatters.  But I know I’m not.  Not completely.  I will tell you that I understand the importance of being as earnest as possible when it comes to the truth.  It is the best and only way to even attempt to see life as it really is.  To see people the way they really are and events for what they really mean.  It can be just as painful as it it enlightening.  There is no free lunch.

The best lens is the first one, transparent at the source.  To thine own self be true.

I try, I really do.  I pay as much attention to this ideal as I can.

I’ve come to see people really close to me for what they are as opposed to what they believe themselves to be.  The truth does hurt.  It cuts both ways.

In the arena of business, it’s frustrating and infuriating.  When it’s personal, it can be overwhelmingly painful.  I know this too, from my own experience.

Under either circumstance they will lie to you because they are able to so easily lie to themselves.  They buy their own shit.  Willingly.  Anxiously.  It’s an insidious brand of sociopathy.  My own experience describes those who haven’t thus far allowed for it to devolve in to violence or homicide, so it isn’t the ugliest manifestation, but it still really sucks and I understand it’s a wholly owned subsidiary of that brand of lunacy.

Just because there is no body bags, doesn’t mean this human condition isn’t really destructive.  It is.  I know.  I’m there.  And by the way, it’s how criminals, murderers and thieves spill their own beans, because they believe their own lies.

I’m telling you I know people that are fucked in the head and they are or were very close to me.  Best friends and siblings.  I only have one real sibling.  Do the math.

The hardest thing is to move away from these people.  I’m not the only casualty, there’s collateral.  Family.  When it’s this bad, everyone ends up with blood on their Friday night or Sunday morning best.  Wouldn’t have been able to wreak the havoc they did if they weren’t so very close.  That’s not just me but the consensus of my very best counsel.  None of them warned against the idea of circling back around.  Some brought it up.  More than one endorsed the idea.

I’m beginning to take stock of what I have to lose.

Drinks for my friends.

7 Responses to “A human condition”

  • waid sainvil:

    Some personal issues I see my friend. Well, as the saying goes:”people come and go in your life for a reason”…lessons are learned. Look at it this way…The fucked up thing that hitler did had made us smarter so that it doesn’t happen again. No matter how ugly that was, humanity had grown for the better. I try my very best to love everyone and that’s the most fucked up thing I’ve ever tried…it is so fucken hard….but, it is the right thing to do because we are truly ONE. KEEP ON SHARING YOUR THOUGHTS…me likey!, waid

  • admin:

    Thanks Waid, I’m glad you’re feeling it.

  • suck in your neck you gorgeous hunk of lard
    people are full of shit and surprises
    a shit-factory striving to be a meat-sack
    oh the thunder-monkey and me
    Oh sorry, I was writing a song there for a second. I wish I could lie to myself better. Oh I do it too, don’t get me wrong, I’m not only two faced, I’m twelve faced. But my inner Sherlock is always calling bullshit on my inner bullshit, fast. Leaves me where I am. Full of beans in the bean soup and I missed another deadline…
    two cents worth of manure

  • Mystymist:

    What about me, your cybersitter, I mean cybersister? At this point in time with you and the other; It seems like bureaucrat vs. artist. Your pain and disappoint should be directed at only her. Her immediate alies,are people you would be wise to distance yourself from emotionally. Detatched Love. Build your own spiderweb. Continue what you set out to do in C.C., fullfill all obligations. I long ago learned never let people see you sweat, or broken, they will attack!
    What is obviouse is She wants to break down you & your comfort zone, and remake you. Wise to Never interfear, nor let her interfear with the relationship with your shared parents.
    When I roll out a bed in the a.m., I say another day here in Gods Hotel. I’ve created no sky, sun, aqua, no heartbeats…, nothing. I’m just a visitor. In conflicts I try to acknowlegde Zues, and ask for a solution that is best for all concerned. Zues, does’t need us self important pions attempting to dictate, what they want of his mass universe.
    I know all about enemies. It’s really about them, I play my own game, they don’t even know the rules. I have my truth. When I was 11 yrs old I decided I will never actually become an adult. Eleven forever yep!
    I’m still out on the F..ing playground, 24/7. I’m in my own spiderweb, & the minute others enter, at their own will, or vise versa lessons will be learned. Eleven forever!
    I’M Rain

  • admin:

    Hey Bozo,
    It’s a human condition and thanks for reading.

  • Diane:

    There is another aspect to ‘the human condition’ you neglect to mention – forgiveness.

    I enjoyed reading this and your most recent post. I’m remembering some really good times…

    D.

  • admin:

    I’m picking up what you’re laying down but there might just be too much to forgive. She has crossed more lines than you know.

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